That was the year this all started.... aubreyplays became more than a blog.
I am really lucky those people up there need me so much.And, I need them too.
I really am lucky. Lucky.
So what's the problem?
last year was so busy I didn't even get a Christmas picture.
The busier I get, the more I worry what I am doing with all this.
This little internet cubby of mine.
I look at the whole picture. My house, my husband and kids.
I get caught up, and realize I am just going from one thing to the next, trying to get it all done.
It is a weekly thing that I think, well, once I get through this project...
but then there is always the next one.
I sometimes wonder if it is even really that big of a deal.
aubreyplays
Would anyone even noticed if I packed up?
SO, I slow down.
last year was so busy I didn't even get a Christmas picture.
The busier I get, the more I worry what I am doing with all this.
This little internet cubby of mine.
I look at the whole picture. My house, my husband and kids.
I get caught up, and realize I am just going from one thing to the next, trying to get it all done.
It is a weekly thing that I think, well, once I get through this project...
but then there is always the next one.
I sometimes wonder if it is even really that big of a deal.
aubreyplays
Would anyone even noticed if I packed up?
SO, I slow down.
And then, opportunity.
Amazed, I say, I am not even asking for it, it is coming to me!
Isn't that a sign?
A sign that I shouldn't stop?
But then I realize this escalator is going in the wrong direction.
And my kids are just being dragged along with me.
I am just barely getting it all done.
It is in those moments that I see-
It's time to stop and live in the moment.
To just be there.
But I am just not sure how.
Now that I am more aware of that voice, when I hear it, I do try to stop.
It’s a hard thing to do, stop.
You have to make choices.
Amazed, I say, I am not even asking for it, it is coming to me!
Isn't that a sign?
A sign that I shouldn't stop?
But then I realize this escalator is going in the wrong direction.
And my kids are just being dragged along with me.
I am just barely getting it all done.
It is in those moments that I see-
It's time to stop and live in the moment.
To just be there.
But I am just not sure how.
Now that I am more aware of that voice, when I hear it, I do try to stop.
It’s a hard thing to do, stop.
You have to make choices.
What is working?
What is clearly not?
What is it that I am willing to give up?
Will this be here for me again when I am ready?
When the kids don't need me as much....
wait, will they ever not need me as much?
It's a tearing feeling.
I realize quickly that I much rather be pursuing creativity and new ideas-
becoming "successful"
than washing the latest load of laundry.
Does that make me selfish?
I think the me of 14-18 years ago would have thought so.
BUT, unfortunately it doesn't matter.
Both have to get done, and by me.
SO I will have to give up something.
I have to ask, is it okay to do both but not fully?
Is it okay to not be that perfect housewife person.
Some might argue it was never perfect anyway...
Is it okay I am not planning elaborate parties like I once did?
Being the perfect room mom. Hosting the best playgroups...
Is it ok that this last little Bean of mine doesn't even know that person exists in me?
Is it okay that I am not a present mom?
No answers that last question, and that's what I keep coming back to.
To being a mom and having it all.
As much as I'd like to say YOU CAN.
I sometimes think maybe I need a reality check and it's just not true.
I want to be the BIGGEST CHEERLEADER to all the girls out there and tell them it's true.
I really, really really want it to be true.
But you would laugh if you even saw how many times I stopped and walked away from this computer this morning just writing this post.
What's a girl to do?
A mom.
Tell me.
Where's your balance?
I'm sad to say that I couldn't find a balance. I prayed. And prayed. And in the end I chose my family. And honestly now I can breath and be present. Isn't that what it's all about anyways? Hats off to those that can but I couldn't. I still create and blog(rarely) but now I can create out of want to not have to. Best of luck! I truly do hope you can find yours!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a very long comment and blogger ate it. ::sigh::
ReplyDeleteTo sum up - the goal isn't balance, in my humble opinion - it's finding a mix that works for you and for your family. In order to be the best role model and Mom I think you need to pay attention to your feelings of self worth. If part of that means taking some time to be creative and ignoring the laundry then do that!