confessions of a self employed mama

The glamorous life of the self employed mama.
We do what we want, when we want, and we take no prisoners.
Every day goes exactly as planned because we work for no one.
We dress cute every day because we are the owner of  a business.
We do lunch.
We are in control because we took control of our destinies.
We have it all.

Let’s be real here about what to expect as a self employed mama.
I think our best skill is juggling.
So I suppose if this whole self employed gig falls down I can join the circus right!?
That does sound sort of romantic….

I confess:
I stay up way too late.  I toss and turn only to get back up and write down the ideas keeping me awake.
I feel grumpy first thing in the morning because of this.

My mind is sometimes so focused on what needs to get done, or new ideas that I can’t even remember if I washed my hair in the shower.
{dude, I am a mom, so the shower is a great thinking spot}

For every good idea I come up with, I probably have 5 that just were not.

My to do list is probably longer than my life expectancy, but somehow I believe that I will eventually catch up.

I sometimes rationalize a mess being made in the other room as a business expense.
I am not paying a sitter.
I am there with my kids.
Mama needs to get some work done.
I might cry later when I am cleaning it up.

My pile of laundry. Yeah, I am not even going to go there.
I have recently bought a package of undershirts while picking up groceries
to fold freshly in the drawer so that my man knows I still love him.
What he doesn’t know is they are new and that his dirty shirts are still waiting for me to wash.

My poor friends.
I have become an awful friend.
I am either with my family or in the studio.
I haven’t made time for anything else.

I sometimes stalk the “hearts” or comments on a new creation because I need some sort of confirmation
that I am not the only one who thinks it’s rad. I have no boss to tell me “good job.”

In the first few months of doing this I almost just stopped-
more than once.
People don’t find you overnight.
I have had to learn,
I need to be confident in what I'm doing and spread the word.

I still sometimes ask myself, “what are you doing with this?”

I feel torn.
A lot.
It is hard to be a rock star mom, wife  and run your own business.
I feel guilty when EVERYTHING is not getting done.
I have been given this opportunity to be at home.
Everything won’t get done (not all at once) but I have to believe it will
eventually.

I know that people think I am not really “working”
I am.
I have to be more driven than the average Jane.
Have more go getterness than the average Joe.
I am the one who is driving the vehicle to my business.
No one is telling me what to do.
It is all me.
I have to pull that DRIVE from within.
I have to suck it up when people treat me like I “don’t work”
I have to accept that I don’t make as much as they do at a “normal job.”
Yet I am pushing myself  twice as hard. Because it is ME on the line.

I am glad I have gone for it.

Another confession: I dance often.
At a sale or a sweet email from a customer-
or maybe a complimentary tweet.
From a package arriving with new supplies.
From a brilliant idea.
I might dance at midnight. Alone in my studio, to keep me going.
I don’t have a boss to tell me to stop dancing.
So I won’t.

I am glad I have taught my kids to trust their gut and follow their dreams.
I confess. It’s not perfect. But what is?

Just keep swimming 

I wrote this post originally in December 2011 for REVOLUTIONIZEHER. Since that blog is no longer, I have decided to post some of the favorite posts I wrote on here.