Monday, September 26, 2011

It's like a landslide, but I'm not as cool as Stevie Nicks...

the very first photo I took for my 365 in 2010.
And I think the question still begs to be answered.
I have been thinking about what works and what doesn't today. This weekend. lately.
I'm not really even talking about the shop here I've realized.
I'm talking about life.
I used to blog about these things.
Life. Normal.  whatever your version of normal actually is.
Before I think anyone ever read this blog.
Lately I think in trying to make everyone happy, I somehow got lost.
I find myself often thinking "how am I here?"
My two babes are entering teenage-dum.
That infant I held so tenderly in my hands four years ago is, well, four.
I sometimes think, these days I should come armed with a sign that says
"moms have feelings too."
we do you know.
Feelings that any mere mortal could never even begin to handle.
Heart achingly. SOul searchingly.
Am I doing it all right questioning FEELINGS.
Feelings that I could have never in a million years imagine having.
So last night I woke up with a start.
Bad dream.
But that wasn't the problem. I was over it quick.
But then of course those thoughts start.
Laundry, flat tire, lent items I want back.
The shop. Thoughts like what am I doing with this?
Children. Children. My Children.
Then came the tough thoughts.
Should I set aside the shop for now?
Should I expect them to treat me like I matter too if I don't require it?
Should I speak louder? yell, even if my voice shakes?
Make them hear me.
I need to be validated.
I am tired of justifying the sewing machine.
I need to be heard.
I am a mom.
But I am Aubrey too....and if I give them all I am.
Then doesn't that mean they are going to have to get that part of me to?
Maybe I need to be selfish.
Not in an I'm all that matters way,
but in a I MATTER way.
That doesn't make me selfish.
That makes me the person who became their wife, and mother.
That very first person who I was in the beginning.
I spend the day, every day trying to Nourish their souls and personalities.
be the good Wife, Sister, Mother, Daughter, Friend.
the ENCOURAGER. The supporter. The Wonder Woman they want.Cleaning up life's messes and the piles of laundry that go along with it.
Trying to make sure each and every person is happy in my household.  
Fulfilled with life.
Moms need encouragement too.

Last night I tossed and turned wondering 
What can I change?
so tomorrow night I will sleep better.
I guess it's a journey. 
Maybe we've ALL grown up a little.
Even me.
I'm going to be making some changes, because that's what moms do.
You might hear my voice a little more on here too.
Because that's what I did before there was you.
It's what's best for everyone that matters.
I am going to hold my breath and press publish.
And tonight I am going to bed early.

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